


Alexa, how do you fix a broken heart?

by Babygayness



Category: EastEnders
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Flashbacks, Fluff, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:34:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25592863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babygayness/pseuds/Babygayness
Summary: Callum stood, numb as he watched Ben walk away. His heart raw, roughly torn apart, aching with each breath he took. He had placed his heart in Ben's hands with so much caution, with so much trust for Ben to throw it on the floor, to let it get run over by traffic and Callum couldn't do anything but let him with quiet pleads. For the past for months the universe cruelly let Callum believe in love, tricked him into thinking he found something he's been daydreaming about since he was thirteen in Maths, for it to mock him as they took Ben from the warmth of his arms. Maybe everyone was right, maybe he stupidly believed that he could love Ben into being something he wasn't.xOr what Callum did during his breakup with an alternative ending to the show.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	Alexa, how do you fix a broken heart?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So this is just a random idea I had about what Callum got up to during the Christmas breakup but I kinda got carried away and completely writing a completely different ending! Anyway I hope you all like it! <3
> 
> italics-flashback

Callum stood, numb as he watched Ben walk away. His heart raw, roughly torn apart, aching with each breath he took. He had placed his heart in Ben's hands with so much caution, with so much trust for Ben to throw it on the floor, to let it get run over by traffic and Callum couldn't do anything but let him with quiet pleads. For the past for months the universe cruelly let Callum believe in love, tricked him into thinking he found something he's been daydreaming about since he was thirteen in Maths, for it to mock him as they took Ben from the warmth of his arms. Maybe everyone was right, maybe he stupidly believed that he could love Ben into being something he wasn't. Callum saw the softness that shone from Ben's blue eyes when no one else did, Callum saw the pain that built the walls around Ben's heart and he was so determined to take it down brick by brick. Maybe he was blinded, living in a world that was pure not fully understanding the word that Ben lived in. Maybe he was still that halfway that lived too much in his head, when he was a child he was always told he daydreamed too much, always enjoyed his own company too much with the contrasting overwhelming feeling of being lonely. It was like with Ben he found a balanced but now he was own once again.

He glanced at the dazzling lights of the Christmas tree, they were blurred by the tears that burned in his eyes, everything felt cruel. His first Christmas with the first man he loved, who made him feel like he finally belonged has been snatched away from him. He mind went back to the flat, Lexi's presents were probably still sat under the tree Raine and Stuart put up, the plans he made with Ben were suddenly torn from his grasp no matter how hard to tried to grasp onto them. It felt cruel. When he was a child he use to love Christmas, the bright lights, the markets, the excited buzz. He use to walk hand in hand with Mum down the Christmas market eyes dazzling, sometimes she would even treat him to a hot chocolate that would always burn the tip of his tongue. It was his favourite tune of the year, then his mum left him when he was just 9. Christmasses were left feeling like another day after that, even after he begged, more like annoyed, Stuart into taking him to the market, it felt forced and rushed, no hot chocolate, no hand-holding (not that he wanted to hold Stuart's hand). It was like ever since his mum left him he was waiting for someone to make Christmas mean something again. He was certain he found it with Ben he couldn't stop his mind going back to a couple weeks ago as he walked towards the tube station.

~

_"What's all this then?" Ben scoffed, his hand holding Callum's as they walked into the flat. The already bright and eyesore of a flat was covered in Christmas decorations, cheap tinsel covered every inch of the apartment, big bright colourful fairy lights blinked and argued with the soft white ones. Callum couldn't help the blush that crept onto his cheeks as he let go of Ben's hand to shrug his jacket off._

_"Stu" Callum mumbled, almost embarrassed by the state of his flat. "Honestly I wasn't even going to bother with a tree but Stuart and Ranie wanted a proper Christmas for baby Abi," He wouldn't tell anyone about how much it hurt his heart coming home after work and seeing Stuart with a tinsel necklace and Santa hat on, music blasting as he mumbles as he put the star on the tree with Abi in his arms. He felt jealous, it was petty he knew that, to be jealous of a toddler who had no control over what happened. If anything he was_ _more upset with Stuart, trying to give Abi everything Callum wished as a child for in Callum's own flat that Stuart didn't even pay rent in annoyed Callum, he was going to say something, but then Stuart was passing Callum Abi and her little smile made his heart warm and he spent the rest of that evening watching her laugh and play with the decorations._

_"Oh so Shrek does have feelings?" Ben laughed as he looked around taking a moment to take everything in. Callum was trying to read him, Ben was slowly becoming his favourite book, every word was so beautiful, every metaphor was so complex and Callum was still trying to learn them. "Shame he couldn't do the same for you when you were younger" Ben muttered under his breath as Callum cringed as he remembered the time he got a little drunk at the Albert and rambled to Ben about his childhood._

_"I guess, want a beer?" Callum asked Ben chucking his jacket over the armchair walking into the kitchen. He frowned when Ben didn't answer and turned round "Ben?" He asked voice slightly louder._

_"One-sec babe," Ben mumbled and that's when Callum noticed what Ben was doing, he was fiddling with the music player. He stopped, watching in awe as Ben fiddled with the buttons, soft music slowly filled the room and the soft voice of Sam Smith's version of Have yourself a Merry little Christmas delicately bounced around the room._

_"Come here," Ben's voice was so soft and gentle that Callum could feel himself start to melt a little, he went over and took Ben's hand. Ben dragged him closer, he dropped Callum's hand, hands held on to Callum's neck as Ben began to sway in time with the music Callum's hands found his waist. Callum felt his breath get caught in his throat when Ben nuzzled his face in the crook of his neck, it was like he was holding his breath as their bodies swayed scared to spook Ben. It was so calm and soft the way their bodies moved, the way Ben played with the hair on the back of Callum's neck, so calm but Callum never felt so alive, heart-pounding, three words danced dangerously on the tip of his tongue._

_"Uh sorry," and like that it was over. Ben pulled away but Callum couldn't help but noticed the blush that covered Ben cheek, he couldn't stop the smile that pulled at his lips. "Sorry I'll go grab those beers yeah?" Ben hurried off into the kitchen before Callum could stop him before he could pull him back into his arms, before he could tell Ben he wanted to keep dancing. His arms were now empty but his heart was full as he watched Ben in the kitchen, the warmth and excited he felt at the market._

~

The train smelt like piss, it burned at Callum's nose, he couldn't stop staring at his knuckles, the bruises contrasting against the paleness of Callum's skin. He felt like such an idiot, what was he thinking. Trying to prove to Ben he could be in his world by getting himself arrested. He felt the guilt crawl at his skin as the smell of the train reminded him of the police station, sat in the cell for hours until Jack came in and told him that Leo wasn't pressing charges, how could he be so stupid.

He felt the tears sting the memory of Ben taking over him once again as he stepped out of the station the cold December wind nipping at his nose as he looked around. He wasn't lying to Stu when he said he was going to stay with an army mate, just not for a couple day's, he couldn't ruin their Christmas. So he quickly booked a Premier Inn for three nights, he knew if Stu found out Callum was spending Christmas alone he was of convinced Callum to stay and he couldn't do that. He couldn't play the happy family's with Stuart and Raine when Callum's first feeling of family was over at Ian's house, probably opening presents with his daughter, probably not even thinking of Callum. All of his Christmas spirit was gone once he got up to his room, no decorations, no soft Christmas songs, no scent of Ben when Callum pressed his face into the cheap pillows. All he had left was the memory of Ben's blue eyes and a dull suffocating ache in his chest.

~

_Callum couldn't stop staring at Ben's eyes, his mouth slightly open. They were so blue. Almost sickeningly blue, they were Prince Charming, fields of bluebells, perfect, cloudless sky, someone should name a crayon after the guy, blue. They were oceans that Callum found himself drowning himself in at the worst time. Ben's eyes were fixed on the screen little mumbles of 'come on' and "that's it" tumbled from his lips, Wii remote grasped in his hand as Mario kart played on the screen. Callum knew he was losing, his Yoshi crashing for the seventh time. He wouldn't care if he lost, he was too busy getting lost in ben's eyes while Ben was getting himself lost in the game._

" _Ah fuck yes!" Ben jumped up a massive grin on his face "babe you're so shit" he teased a soft laughter filled the room. Callum finally looked back at the screen and saw his kart just stuck behind some cow._

_"Yeah well...I got distracted!" Callum laughed "you sat there sounding like you're with one of your hookups" Carefree. For the first time, Callum felt carefree. That was the only way he could describe how he was feeling right now. "With your little uh come ons and oh that's it" Callum laughed trying to mock ben's little moan but they came out high pitched and awkward due to the laughter that uncontrollably tumbled from his lips._

_"Oh so I turned you on" Ben grinned taking a couple steps closer to Callum, his own laughter louder then Callum's_

_"Uh no, it was just really distracting" Callum actually snorted. The laughter was making his stomach hurt in the best way. Ben slowly straddled Callum's waist, hand going to his Callum's cheek, thumb brushed against his skin. The laughter stopped and slowly, inexorably, Ben pressed his lips to Callum's. It was soft and gentle and chaste and maybe there was no fireworks or sparks, but it was better, it was a wave of warmth that filled him up, spilling out from his heart and the warmth of Ben's lips on his, it rushed to every corner of his body the cracks in between his toes, the crooks of his elbows, the tips of his ear_ s. _Every inch of him began to saturate with love. They were cut off by the ring of Ben's phone._

" _Tubbs?" Ben's demeanour completely changed. His hard-man attitude flooded back and it was completely different to the soft Ben that Callum was with five minutes ago. "Right I'm on my way" Ben gave Callum a sympathetic look as he climbed off of him, he pressed a quick to kiss on Callum's cheek mouthing a quick goodbye before leaving._

~

Callum woke up after dreaming of blue all night, the blue of Ben's eyes, the blue sky of Iraq, the blue feeling of sadness that overwhelmed him. He needed to get over Ben, he just didn't know how, maybe that's why he found himself in a gay bar on Christmas Eve. On his fifth or sixth drink, he couldn't quite remember, but he had a buzz. His thoughts were clouded as he sipped his drink. He was drinking whiskey for no other reason than it just tasted like Ben, he didn't care that it burned the back of his throat and made his stomach want to hurl.

"Men are such twats," Callum slurred. Words awkwardly tumbled from his lips as his blood slowly drowned in alcohol.

"Who broke your heart then buttercup?" Callum turned and looked at the person standing in front of him. The sequins of the ruby red dress sparkled in the night as the most stunning drag queen Callum has ever seen pulled out the stool next to Callum and sat next to him. She had the most amazing red hair, most likely a wig, but it looked so silky and soft, her make up was incredible too, the red and glittery pink eyeshadow danced together as contrasting with the thick eyeliner. Callum couldn't lie, she was pretty. So pretty, pretty like his ex-girlfriend. It's all he could think about was how similar this queen was to Whitney.

"Uh thank you!" Callum was pulled out of his thoughts when he realised he must have said some of it out loud. "You said I was pretty like your ex-girlfriend," She explained when she noticed the confusion on Callum's face.

"Oh, I'm sorry I've had like I dunno a lot to drink" Callum hiccuped with a small giggle "you do though. I use to like watching and looking drag and all that when I was little my dad hated it, I mean I probably won't ever do drag but I appreciate it you know," It was as if once Callum talked he couldn't stop "oh and the guy that broke my heart back in Walford also broke the heart of my ex-girlfriend like Dickhead honestly" Callum sighed as he held his glass to the barmen as he slid some coins across the bar. "I mean technically I broke my girlfriend's heart by sleeping with him and not telling her until the day before our wedding but it takes two to tango and then the thing with Ben is he's a magnet you get me?" Callum didn't even take a breath as he rambled on as he took the filled up glass from the barmen "sorry I don't even know your name,"

"My drag name is Ruby, that's why I'm dressed in all red" She smiled so softly at Callum that Callum felt a rush of comfort come over him.

"Callum" Callum grinned as he sipped his drink again "but yeah Ben broke up with me like four days before Christmas like who does that? Honestly twat" Callum couldn't stop talking, all his life he was this quiet awkward kid that has nothing to say for himself but here he was about to tell a stranger his whole life story. "He said I couldn't handle his lifestyle, is he forgetting that I literally held him when he was dying after being shot or that I was in the army! Or that I shot Mick! He's so self-absorbed like he doesn't even know me! I got arrested for him! Well no I got arrested because I punched my ex-girlfriend's holiday fling/boyfriend kinda thing that turned out to be the son of the person that abused her when she was a child and was stalking her"

"Wow, do you like to live in an episode of Coronation Street or something?" Ruby laughed shaking their head, they looked at Callum with amazement "babe, you've been through a lot being drunk in a town you barely know isn't the best thing is it?" Ruby leaned across and brushed a few tears from Callum's cheek. Callum didn't even realise he was crying. Callum slowly nodded trying to stop himself from crying more as he downed the rest of his drink letting the rest of that night turn into a blur.

~

" _Ben you're drunk!" Callum laughed in amusement as he tried to ignore his own Buzz. Ben was dragging him towards the dance floor in the Albert, it was pretty much empty about from a few older queens that sat at the bar. It was a random Wednesday where both Ben and Callum had a day off the following day so they decided they wanted a night out. It was a spur of the moment thing but there they were, alcohol buzzed in their veins._

_"I'm not drunk! I just love this song!" Ben shouted over the loud music "Oh baby I was born this way!" Ben sung words slightly slurred as he danced. Callum watched grin plastered on his face. "Babe dance!"_

" _No no I'm not dancing Ben" Callum scoffed shaking his head as he watched Ben awkwardly dance around. "Come here you tit" Callum laughed holding his hand to Ben "fancy some chips?" Those three words was it all took to get Ben walking out the Albert hand in hand with Callum towards the chip shop._

_"You never put enough salt on!" Ben whined head placed on Callum's shoulder. The warm chips that were burning at their laps contrasted with the cold November night._

_"And you always put too much salt on!" Callum chuckled softly as he kissed the top of Ben's head._

_"I'm so happy when I'm with you you know" Ben mumbled so quietly Callum almost didn't hear him "you make me want to be a better person, you're like soft and make me want to be soft" Ben words were slurred probably because of all the beers they kept accidentally buying and drinking but the meaning behind them made Callum's heart swell and once again those three words were dancing on the tip of his tongue and maybe if Ben wasn't so drunk he would have said them_.

~

Ben felt sick as he crawled into bed after setting up the living room with Lola to make it look like Santa has been for Lexi. He should feel excited. It was pretty much Christmas, he should be excited to see his daughter's eyes light up in a few hours time but he just felt sick. The bed felt cold and empty with his Callum their beside him. He couldn't stop thinking about him, his goofy ears and his bright smile, or the way his hands felt in his hair, or how good his hugs were. Ben wanted nothing more than to be held by Callum. He couldn't stop thinking about what Callum was doing, his head went to the worst-case scenario. What if Callum was alone and having a flashback? Or putting himself in danger. Ben could almost taste the bile in his throat as he thought back to one of those nights.

~

_Ben wasn't sure what time it was when he woke up but he was certain that something was wrong. The right side of the bed cold. He rubbed his eyes as he patted the bedside table until he found his glasses and hearing aid on, he gave it a moment to let his senses flood back before he swung his legs out of bed._

_"Callum?" Ben called out in a whisper as he walked out of the bedroom into the living room as he tried to adjust to the darkness. That's when Ben saw him. Sat on the floor, back pressed to the wall arms hugged his knees. Ben could hear the broken sobs that came from Callum and it made his heart shatter. He slowly made his way over to him, he kneeled in front of him as he placed a gentle hand on Callum's arm. Ben could feel him shaking, trembling beneath the soft touch. "Cal.." Ben whispered other hand going to his hair soothingly running his fingers through the sweat-soaked strands._

_"I'm sorry," Callum's voice sounded broken. The sobs still trembling from his lips as he looked up at Ben. His cheeks were tear-stained, snot running from his nose. It wasn't beautiful, this wasn't Ben's smiley beautiful Callum. "I tried to save them, I tried so hard, I can hear them, Ben! I can hear them begging and crying! I can hear the bombs!" Flashback. Ben's heart broke once more as he watched Callum shake his head, hand gripping onto his arm, nails digging into his skin leaving dark red marks._

" _I know I know, it's not your fault it's not your fault," Ben pulled him against him not letting go even when Callum fought. Hand still soothingly_ _playing with Callum's hair until he felt him relax in his arms._

_"I don't want to go back, please don't make me," Callum mumbled against Ben's chest, he begged with every breath and Ben could hear the broken desperation in his voice. "Please Ben"_

_"I won't, you're staying with me," Ben promised as he pulled Callum up onto his feet letting Callum_ _weakly lean into him. "Let's get you to bed yeah?" Ben whispered the tears starting to sting in his eyes. He felt hopeless when Callum was like this, he just wanted to make everything okay. He squeezed his eyes shut trying to stop the tears, he couldn't be selfish then he needed to be there for Callum. He sat him on the bed before he knelt in front of him. Callum looked so pale, dark bags under his eyes and eyes void of any emotion._

_"Let's get this off you yeah?" Ben pulled at Callum's t-shirt which was drenched in sweat so much that it w_ as _sticking to his skin. "Can't be comfortable," he grabbed the bottom of the shirt and pulled it over Callum's body making a mental note to wake up and run Callum a shower first thing. Callum stayed quiet, it was so silent it scared Ben. "Do you want anything? Uh, a glass of water? Cheeky handjob?" Ben tried to make it seem light and joking forcing a chuckle out his mouth but Callum just stayed quiet shaking his head as he curled up in the bed. The silence became too much for Ben, growing up the house he lived in was never quiet, all the arguments and rows meant Ben never had a quiet moment, he used to wish for a moment of silence but when Callum was like this he wished for nothing more than something to take the silence away. He begged for Callum's laughter t_ o _fill the room, but it never did so Ben did what he thought he should do and just held him tightly in his arms as he felt the feeling he thought he had forgotten since Paul._

~

Callum head throbbed when he woke up on Christmas, his body ached just as much as his heart did the night before was just a complete blur. It took him a couple of minutes to realise he wasn't in the hotel. He shot up with a shaky breath as he looked around. His thoughts went into overdrive as he assumed the worst. He went home with someone from the club and slept with them. He did a Ben. Regret tangled with his headache. He felt so sick. Then he noticed he was still fully dressed, black jean still done up, his belt still done up, his blue shirt still done up.

"Morning, Merry Christmas," A soft voice that Callum vaguely recognised entered the room. He couldn’t recognise the guy thought he was tall, taller than Callum, green eyes, ginger hair. “You don’t recognise me out of drag do you?” The man chuckled, he sat on the edge of the bed and passed Callum a cup that Callum was assumed was tea but it was only when he brought it up to his lips he felt the sweet taste of Hot chocolate on his tongue.

“Ruby?” Callum blinked in utter disbelief the memories slowly started to fade back.

“Daniel,” Daniel chuckled softly “so you do remember some of the last night? The state you were in I wouldn’t of been surprised if you couldn’t remember any of it”

“Oh god,” Callum groaned rubbing his eyes as he tried to erase some of the embarrassment. “I’m so sorry I’ve ruined your Christmas” He felt so stupid. He was destructive, ruining everything around him just because some short sarcastic blue-eyed boy ruined his heart. “Give me five minutes and I’ll get out your hair, shit I’m so sorry” Callum words rushed out as he tried to rush to gather his things.

“Callum..stop! It’s fine honesty! I had nothing planned this morning it’s fine!” Daniel stood up watching Callum run around like a headless chicken. “Do you need me to drive you home?” Daniel’s voice became drowned out turning into a slight high pitched ring as he stared at his phone.

(Ben 11:34 pm: I’ve fucked up)

(Ben 00:06 am: I’m so stupid I’ve done something so stupid I’m sorry)

(Ben 01:21am: Merry Christmas Callum x)

Callum stood reading the text, his mouth was dry and for once so was his eyes. He glanced at the time it was just before midday. He had time, he could get back to Walford and see Ben. To talk. To make sure that Ben was okay. “Do the tubes run on Christmas?”

~

Callum felt a wave of guilt as he sat in Daniel’s car. He was honestly happy to get his own way home but Daniel demanded Callum to let him take him back to Walford, saying he was a sucker for a love story. Just seeing the ‘Welcome to Walford’ sign made Callum’s stomach flip and twist. His palms began to sweat as he chewed his lip. It was late, the market dark and empty with nothing but the stars glistening in the sky.

“Just here,” Callum pointed to outside the Beale’s house the nerves were slowly overtaking him and he was turning into a jittery mess as he thought of every scenario of what-ifs in his head. “You really didn’t have to do this, feel like I ruined your Christmas,” Callum held his breath for a moment when he felt the car stop. He grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled his number on it. “Text me when you think of a way I can make this up to you” he passed the paper to Daniel with a genuine smile.

“I will do, I could do with a friend” Daniel smiles back and Callum knew that there was a lifelong friendship in the making.

Callum got out of the car and walked towards the door. He's already beaten heart in his hands the hope that Ben would gently take it in his chest. He knocked on the door, it was so quiet he was worried that no one would hear it. He waited a moment that felt like hours about to give up when the door opened and there he stood. The person that Callum was only away from a few days but felt like an eternity, the person that plagued Callum’s thoughts every second of those few days. Ben.

“Callum?” Ben’s bottom lip began to quiver and then he was hugging onto Callum so tightly. Tears spilling into his shoulder. “I’m sorry” Ben spluttered out as he kept gripping onto Callum scared to let go and fall.

“Shush shush I’ve got you,” Messy kisses into Ben’s hair, soft whispers of reassurances in his ear. 

“I’ve ruined everything,” Ben mumbled against Callum’s chest as he still refused to let go.

“I’ll put the kettle on” Callum whispered.

~

Whenever anything went wrong when Callum was younger his mother would put the kettle on, make a warm hot chocolate, drown it in whipped cream and marshmallows and placed it in front of Callum and everything would feel like it might be okay. It happened a lot after his dad’s drunken slurs, or when someone at school made hurtful comments about Callum’s cheap hand me downs. Looking back it wasn’t worth all the tears Callum wasted when the one thing that hurt him more than anything couldn’t be fixed by his mum’s hot chocolate because his mum wasn’t there anymore.

“Coffee just the way you like it,” Callum whispered softly as he placed the mug in front of Ben who finally stopped crying. He sat on the wooden chair next to him placing a hand on Ben’s thigh.

“I don’t deserve this Callum,” Broken, that was the only way Callum could describe Ben right now, everything about him was broken, his voice, his mask, everything. “I killed someone,” Ben went cold, the broken walls quickly being built up as fast and they were broken down. Callum cousins say anything he just say with a comforting hand. “I thought, I thought if I got Martin he wouldn’t go through with it, I thought he wouldn’t do it..but he did, he killed someone because I asked him too”

“Who did he kill Ben?” Callum asked confused as he tried to put the pieces of Ben’s broken confusion back together.

“Keanu” Ben began sobbing again so Callum pulled him close against his chest. “My dad...Keanu is the father of Sharon’s baby...dad wanted him gone and I just wanted my dad to love me, I’ve fucked up” Callum let Ben cry, confess and break all Christmas night, because that’s what love is. Love is not always beautiful sunsets it’s shattered rainstorms, it not just petty arguments ending in sweet kisses, it’s screaming tear-stained cheeks ending with door slams. Love is tough, it’s having your heart broken and put back together with gentle kisses. It’s a game where you lose all the time but when you win it’s the best feeling. It’s forgiving and loving so that’s what Callum did. It’s turning yourself into a better person to make the person you love happy and that’s what Ben did. That’s what they’ll always do. It’s them having one broken Christmas within their many happy ones. Mistakes made better by happy memories.

**Author's Note:**

> yes I gave Callum a friend because he needs it! Anyway hope this okay! Maybe leave me a feedback or maybe a cheeky little kudos if you liked it <3


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